Today I was going through some old books I have at home, I came across The Love Dare by the Kendrick brothers based on their film ‘Fireproof’ I had gone through it exactly to the day (yesterday) 5 years ago. On day one it is marked Friday 6th November and so on. I have to pick it up and go through it again, call it a sign or just a great opportunity. There is always time to go through such a devotional marriage help book!

So I will for the next 40 days (predominantly for myself, journal some thoughts about each chapter)

Day 1: Love is patient

Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love – Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)

Love is life’s most powerful motivator – what a thought and yet how often wth my 4 chilren and even with my wife do I frame things in the opposite and try to motivate through lack or fear?

The basis for love is patience and kindness. All other characterises are extensions of these two attributes.

You choose to have a slow fuse than a quick one. Patience brings an internal calm. If your spouse offends you do you find that anger is your emotional default?

Patience is where love meets wisdom – I love that!

Can our wife’s count on us being patient when they sin or mess up again? Or do we react and make them feel like a child? This is so harmful.

These are some important things to ponder on, I know that my default is to lecture and make my wife or children feel silly. It is something I am mindful of and so the Lord has softened me. I can be a very empathetic person, the chapter also details how we should be slow to judge others when they mess up, I think marriage gives us this opportunity to grow and we should after a number of years of marriage be far more patient and accepting, realising that we will not mould our wife’s in to the mould we expected and neither should we want.

Lord help me to each day be prepared for the messy moments with kindness, so that I do not need to ask forgiveness for being too tough.

Day 2: Love is kind

Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you – Ephesians 4:32

Being kind for our spouse is especially important when it is inconvenient or the wrong time, or when ‘they don’t deserve it’. But we should b the person who acts in love and is therefore kind before the other person initiates such gesture.

Kindness is love in action, the chapter starts – If patience is how love reacts in order to minimise a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximise a positive circumstance. (That is a clever way of looking at it)

Therefore Lord let me be a positive spouse who takes the imitative and spreads as much love through my marriage and family as possible today!

Day 3: Love is not selfish

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honour – Romans 12:10

“Why do we have such low standards for ourselves, but such high expectations for our mate? The answer is a painful pill to swallow. We are all selfish!”

The next thing to pray about and ask for God’s grace is to help me to be more aware of when I am being selfish. When I am doing things for my own interest and not the interest of her. I should put her first in all things. That is what love would do.

The writers make a good point, that because your spouse knows you better than anyone else – they will quickly recognise when you are taking steps to be less selfish. This should result in kind. We can start a better culture of love in our marriages, one act or one habit at a time! In growing in this area – God reserves inner joy for us. We will see the transformation occur. The opposite would only lead to sorrow and stress, it is essential that we walk in love in this way. Put down our self protection and be a little more selfless.

Day 4: Love is thoughtful

“How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139‬:‭17‬-‭18‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

The author makes the point that when you start out you can’t stop thinking about the person everything is new, and exciting for man there is spirit of adventure and conquering. But as lif goes on children are added, work pressure is added, church, new friends, responsibilities. So many things to think about it’s easier not to think about the ‘old spouse’ till you get to the point where you think “why don’t you include me in your decisions?” Or “don’t you ever think about anyone but yourself?” It can be hurtful. Sometimes it could feel like the other person is too busy to be married.

We have to adjust our thinking so that our spouse does become our priority thinking again.
For men we may need to renew our thinking. In times of disconnection, the enemy would love to through in some lustful thoughts towards someone new to create that sence of adventure, romance / admiration and conquest. But we have to get back to thinking this way about our wife.

They make the point to that a man should listen to wife like a detective to tell what she is really saying between the lines.
We should also take time to sit and ponder what can I do to better understand and demonstrate love to my wife? What need can I meet? Or special upcoming date to take care of? Or a specific need to take care of for her.

Day 5: Love is not rude

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. Proverbs 27:14

This is a challenging chapter to us me and probably to us men in general (I am hoping I am not alone) often I employ sarcastism at home, in an attempt to be humourous, however the downside is that I have 4 children who have picked up on this and immitate and not always does it come off in a good way, quite often another sibling and sometimes even a parent is on the other end of something that has some bite in it. Which makes me realise that over the years, that must be how my wife would of felt when I was just trying to be a bit funny! Shame.

At other times I have to watch my level of frustration and even aggression, I grew up in a household that was more vocal in times of conflict, neither parent one to back down, and so letting my emotions out was very normal, but God gave me a more passive wife in conflict, so I would blow out all my feelings, she would hold them in and then I would have to apologise for things said or how I have said things. Or even for getting annoyed that she was not saying anything.

The sad things is that a person will remember ‘how’ you made them feel, I am all to aware that over 17 years of marriage, I have made my wife at times feel a lot less than perfect. I am greatful for the Grace of God, which truely does help us to remember the good and overlook the bad and also is the power for us all to grow and change.